Ask Neycha: Bending Over
2008-10-23
Dear Neycha:
I’m having a dilemma with a new friend. I’m not sure if I’m being taken for granted. We met around three months ago and hit it off immediately. We both are very busy and travel a lot. I enjoy spending time with him when our schedules permit. However, he has a bad habit of not keeping his word. We’ll make definitive plans and he’ll fail to show up or call for weeks. When we do speak, he’s always very apologetic and reminds me how much he values my friendship. I have been slow to end the friendship because we have a lot in common, and similar lifestyles. And I want to make sure that I’m allowing him the flexibility that I appreciate being extended to me. Plus, in the past I was often accused of being intolerant of other people’s idiosyncrasies. I've been trying to change that. Good idea?
~Bending Over Backwards, New York, NY
Dear Bending Over:
Yes, attempting to become more tolerant of other people’s idiosyncrasies is a good idea. Willingly lying flat so they may walk all over you – not so much!
Sweetie, your ‘friend’s’ repeated failure to keep his word with you is NOT a little innocent eccentric mannerism. It’s a ROTTEN HABIT that your lenience only further instigates. Stop leaning! Bending over backwards for dude may get him off, but in the end it leaves you underserved and overlooked. BAD, bad move!
I've said it before many times here in this column BOB – WE teach others how to treat us. Every time you’re available to “that one”, AFTER he’s disrespected you by not even calling, you send the message that his negligent behavior is okay with you. Wrong message my love! It’s one thing to want to be flexible, as you acknowledge your own appreciation of people being flex with you. But it’s another thing entirely to be loosey goosey. There IS a difference BOB between having flexible standards and none at all. It’s time you recovered your backbone.
Trust me, you are better served when you seek to cultivate relationships where apologies are the EXCEPTION rather than the standard. TRUE friendship is reflected in the other person’s composure toward you. HABITUALLY STANDING YOU UP and OFFERING NO HEADS UP IN REAL TIME is NOT the posture of a real friend. He’s simply lying when he tells you that he values your friendship.
Do yourself a favor and release the psychic weight of believing this person is “being your friend” so you can make room for others to fill that space in an authentic and reverent way. It’s not a party BOB until everybody’s getting served. You need to do a better job of getting yours!
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About Neycha
Sarcastic Boss
Settling
Retired Gossip Queen
Cheated On
Ashamed of my Past
Getting Funked
Ready To Spill It
Haunted By The Ex
Following Love
Still Hustlin'
Used Up
Don't Want To Talk About It
Scared Wife
Not Into Tiny
Too Through
Rejected
Blindsided
Cubicle ina Minefield
Tired of Paying
Make Lunch Plans, Not War
School Girl Crush
Confused About The Next Move
Blue-collar by Choice
Torn With Guilt
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Any information or advice given not intended to provide an alternative to or replacement for professional advice or the services of your physician, psychotherapist, or psychiatrist.
